How do I convince my parents to let me ordain now? I don’t want to wait until I’m older. I’m fully ready to ordain now. I have a Buddha image at home and I offered flowers to the Buddha at home today and I feel happy and satisfied with the merit I have made as a lay person. I no longer wish to spend my entire life as a lay person just for the sake of making merit. I am ready to ordain and practice the Dhamma to attain Nibbana in this life. I want to ordain now.
Have you done retreats? Have you stayed in a monastery for months? There’s summer break in USA right? Can use it to stay in monastery, then your parents can be sure that you are not jumping in blind.
Have you read the vinaya? At least the 227 rules and the Buddhist monastic code? Can you be sure you will not regret taking up these rules? Better to have mental preparation and accept it and then you can assure others that you are willing to follow these rules.
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Not yet, Venerable Sir. I don’t think my parents will let me go on retreats until I graduate and get a job especially since it’s not safe to travel too far because of the situation with ICE in the US. There’s a meditation retreat in New York but it’s outside the city so I doubt my parents will allow me to go there. They also prefer me just focusing on my studies for now.
Yes, Venerable Sir. I have read the Vinaya, but I haven’t studied it extensively yet. I used to be scared of all the rules, but now I am no longer scared. I believe I can take up these rules and observe them fully.
I’ve been wanting to practice meditation full time ever since I was 13. I feel like I’ve matured enough to be ready for ordination.
anyway, I know of monks who never been to retreats before they ordain in their early 20s. Still good monks. Well, you might want to start from convincing your parents to let you go to retreats first, before asking them for permission for ordination.
Given ICE in USA, really is it worth it to remain there for longer? Trump is still likely to remain there for the next 3 years, it’s not going to get better. Who knows if he’s going to destroy the world before you graduate. These can be good urgency reasons to get out of USA soon.
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Yes, I do feel some attachment to the US, but I’m willing to renounce it to ordain. Now, it’s hard to think of anything but ordaining. I really want to renounce the household life and ordain to practice the Dhamma as soon as possible.
I have a different take on this… I’m not against lay people reading/studying the Vinaya. However there is a very good chance that they will misunderstand the rules and their implications. And as @HappinessSeeker mentioned, reading them can be a turn off without having a teacher to explain the practice as a whole.
As long as people understand monastics can’t have sex of any kind or eat after noon, I don’t see any point in candidates reading the Vinaya on their own. They will just get overwhelmed and perhaps even embed wrong interpretations into their mind.
And of course it has nothing to do with convincing your parents to let you ordain. There is a great bit of logic in MN82 where the parents are convinced by the idea that if their son doesn’t like it as a monk the worst that will happen is that they just disrobe and continue life as a lay person.
OP, without telling us what your parent’s objections are, we won’t be able to help much.
For example if you only have a year of university left (and if they paid for the first three years) then it’s not entirely unreasonable for them to ask you to complete your studies. There are even some immigration perks to having a university degree in some situations.
But if they are making demands beyond that, you have more negotiating options. Like if they want you to work for a year after you finish university. Find out why. Do they think that once you have a job you will suddenly fall in love with lay life?
Do they fully understand what ordination means? Do they realize that if you don’t like it you can, without punishment, go back to lay life? Do they think the monastery will force you to stay? Do they think you will never be able to talk to them again? Do they think they will have to financially support you? Do they understand that ordaining involves living at the monastery for some time to see if you like it?
Frankly, as a young lay person even you can’t fully grasp what is going to happen when you step into the monastery. Your parent’s are going to be exponentially more unaware than that. And it’s completely justified that they have fears and objections.
It’s entirely possible that they are acting in good faith and have concerns because as your parents they know you well.
If you want our help, it would be good to tell us more about what is going on.
I think my parents are just attached to me but also acting in good faith. My parents and grandparents paid a lot for my education. They are happy that I am so interested in practicing the Dhamma and also take pride in the fact that I want to ordain. They brag about me to other relatives and friends of theirs. It’s just that if I leave the US now, I won’t be able to come back easily. Frankly, I’m not as attached to the US as I was in the past because I want to seek liberation and not be trapped in the US until I’m old. Also, my parents think if I ordain now, the money they spent on my education might be wasted. My parents don’t want me to ordain until I’m 30 or older. I have around at least 2 years and a half of university left. I could try and finish it in 2 years if I want, but it would be harder. There’s no way I’m waiting until I’m 30. I want to ordain now but I can try to wait until I’m 25. I’ve been waiting since I was 13. Now I’m 21.
When I was dating a girl a few months ago, they were unhappy because they wanted me to ordain one day. Now, when I have fully decided to ordain, they can’t give the final yes at the moment. My mother has also been wanting to practice the Dhamma for quite a while now. She said she’s just holding on until me and my brother graduate and have a stable career.
That’s pretty irresponsible behaviour given that you plan to ordain all this time. I recommend you don’t even flirt with a girl again.
That’s what forums like this is for. Anyway, it’s mainly for people who are serious in ordination. I prefer people go in with foreknowledge instead of finding out later that “I signed up for this?”.
Well, that’s quite interesting and not what I expected you to say. Taking all that into consideration, it seems like you need to connect you and your family to one or more monasteries in the US where you might consider ordaining. If you can build a strong personal and family connection with a monastery and especially senior monks, that might grease the wheels.
Those senior monks would be able to explain things better to your family than you could.
It seems like your parents logic is a bit flawed, but understandably so. If they truly do feel that they want you to ordain, they may not understand the danger of waiting until you are thirty. And you may not be the best one to teach them that since you clearly have ulterior (but wholesome) motives.
Assuming everyone is acting in good faith, it’s not logical to think that the education money will be “thrown away” if you ordain now, as opposed to after they have paid for four years and then you ordain.
It sounds like perhaps you are part of an immigrant family. there are some dynamics there that may complicate things. For example, many first generation families sacrificed a lot to give their children (for better or for worse) the opportunities that come from living abroad. So on an economic level a child who ordains kind of wastes that risk taken. Basically, if the child was going to ordain anyway, why bother to uproot the family and sacrifice everything just so they could be a monk.
On the other hand, lots of immigrant families are shocked that the children they raised in a foreign country end up rejecting their home culture and getting into all the problems that foreigners have. Therefore a child who wants to embrace something as serious as monastic life is a clear sign that the parents have done a good job blocking the negative influences of the new country.
So as far as arguments go, you would want to lean in heavy on the actual benefits to the family (both direct and indirect) of having a monastic child. And also skillfully emphasize that it makes more sense to invest financially in your brother, who I’m assuming has no interest in becoming a monk. From a financial perspective, it makes more sense to invest either in him or in savings for the long term than it does for them to invest in your education with the hopes that you can some how make it back by the time you are 30 and ordain. Basically, no matter how you cut it, you aren’t a good financial investment but instead could be a net savings.
My parents have gone back to Myanmar. Only me, my brother, and some of my relatives are in the US. I’m the youngest child in my family. My oldest brother is also back in Myanmar but because of some medical condition, he can’t work so my parents are taking care of him. My other brother is with me in the US. You’re right. He has no interest in becoming a monk. He’s also not interested in practicing the Dhamma.
I think if I become a software engineer and makes $100,000 a year and work for 1-2 years, then my parents will let me ordain. I can just give them all my savings. I don’t really want to “enjoy” life as a lay person anymore because I’ve done that for 21 years, and true enjoyment will come from practicing the Dhamma, so I’m fine with giving away all the money I will make when I become a software engineer. Besides, we can’t take our money with us when we die. It’s impermanent, suffering, and non-self. I wish I could ordain now. I don’t really want to prolong my time as a lay person.
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OK, that fills in some gaps.
If it’s purely a financial thing, then treat it as such. If the family is would be happy with x amount of money before you ordain, and they are willing to invest y amount of money in you, then figure out if there is some quicker way to make x from y. Is a BA/BS really going to land you right into a 100k per year job? Is the current school you are at really going to be that much of an advantage in securing that job?
Obviously these aren’t things that strangers on a Buddhist forum can tell you. I’m just saying you can decide what is really going on and figure out a solution for that specific problem. For example, would your family be happy if you just paid back your educational expenses? That might be easier and quicker than getting a four year degree.
I already have an associate’s degree, but they want me to get a bachelors’ degree as well. I kind of have a gut feeling that my parents will let me ordain right after graduating. I might not even need to work for a few years. In the past, they didn’t really want me to ordain. Then later, they were okay with me ordaining between the age of 40-60. Now they are okay with me ordaining at 30. They might change their minds and let me ordain after graduating.
I’m doing an internship later this month and then I might do another one during the summer. If I land good internships in the next 2 years, then I might be able to make $60,000 in total. I think if I make that much money even before graduating, then they will consider the money they spent on my education as not wasted and that it made me successful. It will also make them feel better since relatives and neighbors can’t really say that the money was wasted on me.
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I think you should live at a monastery first. Try doing that over the summer break and spring break. Continue with your studies until then.
Read carefully the Buddhist Monastic Code (both volumes).
Meditate regularly as a lay person with a daily practice.
Chant on a daily basis too.
Lastly, after Summer break, you should play the kamma game. If they are Buddhist (odds are they are Buddhist). Ask them to meet with a well educated and senior monk of Pa-Auk, Maha-Vihara, or Varanasi Monastery Mingaladone. Then have them explain the situation to the senior monks there and have them ask if it is bad kamma to prevent you from being a monk.
I think that most monks will say it is bad kamma not to give permission.
But do not do this until you join a retreat this summer and you are meditating every day and chanting everyday until then.
Show your dedication. Right now, I’m not sure I believe you. Show me first.
Mark your calendar for August 20 and let me know (here) how you did.
Your parents need to be sure you are doing the right thing first. It might be good to finish the school task, or promise to go to ITBMU or Pali Sanskrit University and finish a degree for them.
A university degree mostly does only one thing for you. “It shows you can finish a long term task”. Ask anyone. That is the most important thing about a degree. So if you cannot finish a degree, then can you stay committed to robes? I think you should negotiate finishing the degree and then getting permission before working. Compromise.
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Planning for the future is necessary, and it may be wholesome. It is also conceptual because you don’t know what will happen over time, how things can change, or what variables will come into play. Therefore, you should also focus on the moment.
For example, when you realize that you cannot ordain yet and you think about it, how does that make you feel? Does it make you feel impatient? Is that impatience wholesome or unwholesome? This is a serious question. It is a key distinction to make.
Secondly, that impatience that arises, is it impermanent? Is there the same impatience from one moment to the next? Do you feel differently about the situation at times? At times, do you feel more relaxed about the situation you are in, and at other times much more impatient than before? Does it feel like there is hope sometimes, but at other times like there is none? Is that impatience the same from moment to moment?
Next, is that impatience you or yours to control? Do you make it arise at will? Can you make it disappear? Is it yours, or does it just arise based on circumstantial causes and conditions?
Lastly, is that patience something that brings you happiness, or is it suffering? When it arises, is it bringing you happiness or suffering in those moments?
Those are things you should contemplate as you make your plans.
Mark a calendar. Today is Friday. It might be a different day for you if you are in a different time zone. Whatever day today is for you (let’s just say it is Friday), mark the next 3 Fridays on your calendar. At noon on each of those days, examine your mind. Is the patience the same as it was today (or the last time you checked)? Is it yours? Can you control it? Is it a source of happiness or is it suffering? Do this exercise for the next 3 Fridays and see what the results are.
R
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Hopefully, this way of looking at things will be dépaysant for you. 
We can never hope to understand or let go of the whole mass of suffering if we cannot first understand an unwholesome mental state that arises conditionally, and which is not–self.
Now is always the best time to develop understanding.
A bucket fills by nothing more, and nothing less, than one drop at a time.
R
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I talked to my mother today. She supports me and has given me permission to ordain. My father is not opposed to it, so he will probably agree as well, since my mother has the final say. The only issue is that I am in the middle of completing my bachelor’s degree, so they want me to finish that first, work for a while, and save some money in case I change my mind in the future, but I won’t though becasuse I’ve decided to ordain to attain Nibbāna and I’d rather live as a sage than get married in this life. But, It’s not like I can go back to Myanmar right now anyway, because my college program and internship have not finished yet. There is also social pressure from relatives and neighbors because they are all expecting me to finish my degree and get a job first, so my parents can’t call me back to Myanmar right now even if they wanted to, so they can only send money to support me and my brother and trust that I will ordain afterward and not date anyone.
My mother believes that I will be able to attain Nibbāna in this life. She also said that she is doing her duty to help me finish college and get a job, and then I can ordain. She believes that all her efforts in raising me over the years and supporting me will come to their culmination when I finish college and get a job. I just need to finish this last chapter of my lay life. Since I received permission, I can happily focus on the present again.
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Sounds to me nothing had changed. I thought you already got their permission to ordain.
Hello Venerable Sir,
Previously I didn’t really believe they gave me permission because they didn’t say “come back to Myanmar right now”, but now I understand there’s social pressure from relatives and neighbors and in their mind, they also can’t do anything to bring me back right now and it’s natural to complete my education since I’m already close to finishing it. It seems the permission was already given, and today I got permission again so it was reassuring. And I also don’t have to wait until I’m 30 anymore